The nameless ache

There are days where I long for I know not what. I don't know what I want but I want it badly, whatever it is.

The real me?

Last week I dreamed that I let a man into an event even though I was suspicious of him. Then when I realized that he was there to kill someone, I just left. By the time I talked myself into going back I was to late.
A couple days ago I dreamed that I was driving and the car next to me got a flat. I switched to the opposite lane, and as I passed the car I noticed that the roof was destroyed, and the girl was unconscious. I wanted to pull over but there was nowhere to pull over without risking my car getting hit, so I drove around looking for a parking space. I ended up at the top of a parking garage far away from the girl. I'm trying to run down the stairs, butt there are hoses and ropes trailing down the stairs getting in my way. I wake up.
Last night I dreamed that I was so fat I could pull up my belly fat and spread in like a blanket over my thighs. I was so disgusting.
I don't know if these dreams are commentary or a warning, but I am a little disturbed.

On an unrelated topic, I have this urge to make a painting.

Ashamed

It's not that I'm ashamed of the gospel, I'm ashamed of the church. I am embarrassed by our pride and self righteousness. My goodness but we're so wise and pure! I'm only going to church out of a sense of obligation, not because my heart is being nurtured. I just figure that God has work for me to do there. They need help with life groups, and programs. So long as I keep my head down, and my opinions to myself I'll be fine. I wish God would put me in a church where my heart was free. I'm getting tired of playing ball.

No reservation

It seems that you are not to live outside of a reservation, doesn't matter who's but you have to be a part of some group. I'm in church, and all I want to do is leave. These people don't need me, they already know it all. They get up and preach and everyone cheers, everyone dances. Those that don't keep their mouth shut. I am feeling the same way I felt when I left the church the first time. I'm tired of the safe little bubble that we make for ourselves.
Maybe this is not a bad thing. There are gifts given to many people, some are born to wander. Could I have wandered in the desert for so long that I have begun to prefer it? The people in the city do not search for water, it is those lost in the desert that value it. It could be that I'm called to speak to those in the desert.