Why I want to run

I want to run races. Not because I think it would be fun, but because I think it would suck. Because I hate running, because it's hard for me. Because I'm weak, and I hate that about myself. And because it's cheap. Fencing is expensive and doable. With training I could compete, and that doesn't mean I will never fence, but I feel like I need more challenges. (I know right? I've gone mad) I guess I want to make a lifestyle out of pushing myself right now,to help me with the challenges that I am facing in life with work and school. I guess if the whole point is to go to the breaking point, I may as well do this on all levels. My endurance is not up to par, I struggle with a 14 hour work day, and there are people doing 18-22 hour days at work right now. I hate not being one of the strongest people in the room. I want to improve my endurance, increase my tolerance for pain and discomfort, find out once and for all how much is to much. I know that I'm only operating at a fraction of my ability, and my attitude is primarily what's dragging me down. I need to train myself to have a better attitude, to enjoy being broken, stretched to the breaking point. Why? Because I must learn to enjoy trials and suffering, knowing that "The testing of my faith develops perseverance." I want this, but I am comfortably uncomfortable right now. I must shake myself awake before God decides that he needs to step in.

Why God is silent

I realized that sometimes why God is silent about things like, us getting a house, or getting a car is because he has already promised to take care of those things. That would be like my son begging me to feed him dinner or buy him a jacket when he doesn't have one. He's my son, it's a given that I will provide for him. It's the same between me and God. Of course He's on top of those things, I need to stop flipping out about that and start focusing on my walk with Him, and in building community.

Spartan law

I want to quit. School, church, work, I want to quit and curl into a ball or run off and have fun. I'm on the kitchen floor this morning praying and crying that God would give me the strength to keep going. I'm so tired and none of this seems to be going anywhere. I know that's not true, I know that as I press into this season, I am being tested, I am growing in faith and strength and character. But I hate it all right now because I feel like I'm failing on every side.
But I won't give up, I may fail but I would rather fail than quit.
"No retreat, no surrender. That, is Spartan law."-300

Praying for checkmate

We often want to change, but we make excuses as to why we can't or won't take the steps necessary to make that change a reality. I try to play chess with God, to get out his will for my life. Even as things get harder, and I am less satisfied with where I am at, I would rather keep trying to win, get my own way than submit. So I am going to pray that God beats me, puts me in checkmate, gives me nowhere else to run but to him. For it's only in his arms that I am going to be truly happy and safe.

What I want

I am here to exist, to continue the existence of my existence. I once existed for adventure, to live and experience life. Now I am here because I don't want to go to hell. I want my heart back; just writing this gives me goose bumps, I want my heart back.
God has called us out of Kansas City, to a place far away. That plan hasn't changed. Maybe what we had planned didn't happen, but God's plan hasn't changed. This is a hard thing to keep hold of. I don't know what God is doing, I don't know what the big picture is and frankly I don't care. All I know is that I want my heart back.

Is it time for a change?

I am beginning to think that I need to make a change in my life, career-wise. It's not that i hate my job, but the commute is killing me. I have taken steps to help me on the money end, but the time part is still not there. I wonder if I should stay put a little while longer, or if I should start searching for new work. I just don't know what to do.

No man an island

I have realized that not knowing my neighbors is a problem. I don't know where to start. There are three houses next to me are elderly folk, and then there are two families. My concern is that I don't know what I'll get if I open my doors to them. This is not the heart of Christ.