Afraid of change

I have been crying out to God for change in some of my circumstances. But in being honest with myself, I realized that I am afraid of change. I am comfortable in my discomfort. It is stable, nothing unexpected really happens. Plenty that I don't like but it's not scary, my life doesn't require me to move outside of my comfort zone. So part of me wants to just stay put. Then something happens that reminds me that I cannot go on living this way.
I know lots of people like that. They hate their life, complain all the time but will do nothing to change it. Even when an opportunity literally falls in their lap, they won't reach out for it. They will stay in their misery.
I want to avoid the sin of Jonah. When God says move, I hope that I will move.

Be careful what you wish for

Lately I have been saying I just need a moment of peace, and guess what? My car died, my truck died, and now I have to wait for a mechanic to come fix my truck. Viola! My moment of forced peace.

Worship

If you're gonna  do it, may as well make a fool out of yourself from time to time. Only the whole hearted have the gift of looking like idiots.

The need for fathers

There is a cry in our world for fathers. So many men, oldermen are crying out for fathers. Why? You can not have a child without a man and a woman. If you are alive then a man and a woman was involved. Yet so many young men live without fathers in their lives. Not only those who have fathers walk out on them, but those who have fathers at home that have checked out and are not involved. One of the greatest men in history with the heart of a father was Jesus, who had no children, yet the heart of the father was in him. We need more men like that, men who have the Father's heart in them. Being a father in the natural is not a requirement. It is enough to have the father's heart beating in yours.
I don't care how young or old you are, there are men and boys out there who need a father. It's not hard, just ask God for the heart of a father, and the rest will take care of itself. People will smell that annointing on you and they will be drawn to you. If you have what people need, they will hunt you down.

When life sucks

Sometimes we go through a season that is difficult, full of trials. Sometimes there is demonic pressure, sometimes we are being attacked. Sometimes we have created the problem through our own sin. In the midst of this battle, whether the trial is external or internal, there is a tendency to fret, to wring ones hands in frustration. Or we are angry, yelling in tounges and waging "warfare ". It looks good, especially on Sundays in front of everybody else. But in reality its just a show to make us feel better.
I believe that real power is found in a peaceful clear mind and heart. In a place of surrender to the Lord we find peace. That doesn't mean we don't have battles to fight, but we fight them assured of victory, not fearing defeat. In that place we can have joy, because we know like we know the sky is blue that Jesus has already conquered the world. We can laugh when life knocks us down because our victory is assured, we know how all of this ends. With Satan, death, and all those who set themselves against Christ bound and thrown into the lake of fire. We can never fully conquer evil in this life, that's not our job.
It like gardening. You build the garden, plant and water it, then you have to tend it. Every day. Take your eyes of that garden for a minute and you'll have bugs eating it, the sub shrivelling it, animals eating it, all kinds of mayhem. But if you tend it with love, removing what takes life and pouring in what gives life you will be rewarded. If you find a weed or an insect that is eating your garden, remove it and move on. Find another? Do it again. The day you give up is the day you lose your garden.

A heavy cost

I feel as though my dreams are dying. When I reached for the big dream, my wife, my children, I did not know that it would cost me everything. I did not realize that ballet, snowboarding, travel, nightlife, friends, Starbucks, adventure; possibly even fencing would be sacrificed on the altar of my family. The question is, now that I know this, am I willing to pay it, or will I spend the rest of my life resenting my family, regretting the price that I paid? Or worse, will I try to return them, and sacrifice my family on the altar of my dreams, as so many men have done? As my father did? Again I feel the curse of my father reaching for me, whispering that I was made to be something great, and I am wasting away my life. But I know what my father did not, the value of a virtuous wife, of wild sons and a daughter who radiates royalty. My family demands the best of me; I cannot serve both my dreams and them.

I am something exceptional, I know it sounds arrogant, but I am. My potential has very few limits, without a family to care for I could reach any height I set myself to climb. But when I reach the summit and the glory of my name reaches into eternity, as I sit down as an old man to write the story of my life, everything I had accomplished would be nothing, without my joy, my glory there beside me. I want to look into her eyes as an old man and see love, love that has withstood the test of time, and when I see that I will know; that I am blessed, and that I had invested my life wisely.

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.”

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls, who, on finding one pearl of great value, went and sold all that he had and bought it.”

I am not going to say that this will be easy, or that I will always do this right. There will be days when my heart yearns for the selfish ambitions of youth. In those moments I will remember this; I vowed, on April 8^th, 2006 to trade all that I am, all that I could be for the dream, the priceless treasure that is my family.

“A heavy cost, I pay it gladly.”

Can or can't?

"I can't. " these words have derailed many dreams. So many people live in self imposed obscurity for no other reason than that they believe that they cannot obtain what is in their hearts. How do we break the chains of can't?

It's all in your head

Most of the time, the real battle lies within us, in our minds in our hearts. When something gets to you, as it often does to me, ask yourself,"Where is the real battle?"

My attitude

I was listening to Allen Hood teaching on the Family, and he talked about praying from a position of trust, and not of fear. I was convicted. I have been a constant state of fear, anger, and anxiety. This is not the heart of God. He has already promised to take care of us, why can't I trust that? I waste so much time living in regret over the past, and anxiously looking towards the future.
God, help us to live here,now, trusting and resting in you.

Waiting on the Lord

When you are in a place where you don't want to be, and you desperately want God to move on your behalf,  it is hard to wait for him to move. But wait we must. We must wait,  but we cannot be idle. We should prepare for the breakthrough, whenever and however it arrives. If it arrives tomorrow, we must be ready. If it arrives in ten years we must be ready. When Caleb wanted to enter into his land,  no one wanted to. Forty years later,  he went to Joshua and told him that he was ready to take his land. He wasn't bitter,  he was living in a state of readyness.

Desperate

I am put of options, out of ideas. God, if you're going to do anything in my life, please do it soon.

Standing alone

The problem with this journey is that I keep finding myself alone. I don't try to be alone, but the more I focus on God, and on who he is training me to become, I look up and find that I'm alone. I have friends, even Christian friends, but my life is disjointed, different people in different spheres. My brother in law that I prayed with till eleven at night and the young man I am meeting at three am the next day to hear what God is doing with him do not know about each other. My teachers, my boss,  do not know exactly all that I do, nor do most people care. I know no one who lives as I live. I identify with no one, and in that I am alone.

Rich and poor

One of the problems with being poor is time. I get up at three am, and don't get home from work until five or even seven pm. There is little time for watching the news or reading a newspaper, working out or anything else. Poor people have to work harder because their time is less valuable. The wealthy have time, time for leisure, to enjoy life, to take care of themselves. The challenge for the poor man is time management, the ability to accomplish much in a very short amount of time. 

Don't waste a good trial

I worked hard at the company I work for to get promoted. I got the promotion, then was moved into a position that I would not have chosen. When I failed to do well, I was demoted to my first role in the company. I have then been asked to help the person who took my last position. I could refuse to help, have a bad attitude. Or I could not waste a good trial. I got sick and asked for someone to help me with my route. No one helped. So I'm out throwing up on the side of the road, between stops. So weak that at one point I'm collapsed in the bathroom at the plant unable to get up for several minutes. I could have called in sick, refused to work. Or I could not waste a good trial. Sometimes life sucks, sometimes you don't get what you think is your fair share in life. Sometimes God asks you to walk through things that are unfair. When these things happen don't bother getting all huffy demanding justice. Just ask God to help you not to waste this trial. Don't get me wrong, I haven't learned how to do this perfectly yet, all I do is tell God that I will do my best to walk through whatever he has for me today. I'm usually whining twenty minutes later but my hearts in the right place.

Not now

How many times has Jesus drawn near to us, whispered our names upon the wind, only for us to reply, "Not now Lord, I'm busy"? How many time have we invited him in, bu then try to control what he does while we are with him? "Don't touch that Jesus, here, let's focus on this issue that I have pre-selected for us to go over. Oh look, time's up, thanks for dropping by"? When will we realize that Jesus doesn't need our money, our great ideas, our ministries, or our hard work? He wants our hearts, our whole hearts and for some reason that's more than we are prepared to give. I know it's more than I am willing to give. I know what you're thinking,"How can he say that? I'm ready and willing to give Jesus my whole heart." Are you? Have you really thought about what that means? To let Jesus have access to you 24/7, shape and mold you, change you? It's one thing to jump around on Sunday and sing about giving Jesus your heart, it's quite another thing to walk it out.
Don't get me wrong it's what I want, I want to want to give him my whole heart. Fact is I'm afraid to. I know that Jesus is highly unpredictable, and I hate giving myself over to unpredictability. But I also know that complete surrender is a big piece of the puzzle of being happy and finding myself in him.

Enjoying God?

I was listening to a teaching where the speaker was teaching that our identity should be found in loving God and in enjoying God. I thought, "How is this possible? How do you enjoy God?" I spent all day Friday trying to get my head around this, because I agree. If I was living my life captivated by God, in love with him and spending my life pursuing the mysteries of God it wouldn't matter what else was going on in my life, I would be happy. If my identity was in being loved by God and being a lover of him, what else would matter? But I have no idea how to enjoy God. I know that God has work for me to do, that there are disciplines for me to follow, but enjoyment? That's a whole other level of living that I don't understand. But I want it, I want it so badly it hurts.

Breaking away

We have been a part of a church in Newport News for almost two years, mostly just to find a safe place after our last church experience. But I felt the pull to move on. They are great people, I just don't believe in church anymore. Don't get me wrong, I believe in the church as it refers to the body of Christ. I just think that if you turned your family into an institution you would get the same results. Under a friends guidance I am reading the book of Acts, to remind myself of our roots. So here I am, back on the trail of something, I'm not even sure what but I know that I want God.

The nameless ache

There are days where I long for I know not what. I don't know what I want but I want it badly, whatever it is.

The real me?

Last week I dreamed that I let a man into an event even though I was suspicious of him. Then when I realized that he was there to kill someone, I just left. By the time I talked myself into going back I was to late.
A couple days ago I dreamed that I was driving and the car next to me got a flat. I switched to the opposite lane, and as I passed the car I noticed that the roof was destroyed, and the girl was unconscious. I wanted to pull over but there was nowhere to pull over without risking my car getting hit, so I drove around looking for a parking space. I ended up at the top of a parking garage far away from the girl. I'm trying to run down the stairs, butt there are hoses and ropes trailing down the stairs getting in my way. I wake up.
Last night I dreamed that I was so fat I could pull up my belly fat and spread in like a blanket over my thighs. I was so disgusting.
I don't know if these dreams are commentary or a warning, but I am a little disturbed.

On an unrelated topic, I have this urge to make a painting.

Ashamed

It's not that I'm ashamed of the gospel, I'm ashamed of the church. I am embarrassed by our pride and self righteousness. My goodness but we're so wise and pure! I'm only going to church out of a sense of obligation, not because my heart is being nurtured. I just figure that God has work for me to do there. They need help with life groups, and programs. So long as I keep my head down, and my opinions to myself I'll be fine. I wish God would put me in a church where my heart was free. I'm getting tired of playing ball.

No reservation

It seems that you are not to live outside of a reservation, doesn't matter who's but you have to be a part of some group. I'm in church, and all I want to do is leave. These people don't need me, they already know it all. They get up and preach and everyone cheers, everyone dances. Those that don't keep their mouth shut. I am feeling the same way I felt when I left the church the first time. I'm tired of the safe little bubble that we make for ourselves.
Maybe this is not a bad thing. There are gifts given to many people, some are born to wander. Could I have wandered in the desert for so long that I have begun to prefer it? The people in the city do not search for water, it is those lost in the desert that value it. It could be that I'm called to speak to those in the desert.

Mission: Imfreakingpossible

So apparently not only am I supposed to survive this season of life I'm in without killing myself or others, but I'm supposed to do it with joy, unto God, finding Him as my portion. Oh, and I'm also supposed to raise a Godly family, be a great dad and husband and be involved in the church.  How the hell am I supposed to do that! I am so frustrated right now. I want to walk in righteousness, but frankly it's impossible. I can't do it, not the way God wants me to do it. He doesn't just want me to do what he says, He wants me to do it cheerfully, with my focus on Him, loving and enjoying Him in all circumstances. Maybe you're nodding because you missed that last part. I said ALL CIRCUMSTANCES. I know right? Who can even do that? The man who walks in that kind of peace could move mountains. Maybe that's the point, for it to be impossible. If we could do this without God, we wouldn't be human, would we?

Ready to pop

Ever have one of those days where you could just start screaming and destroy everything around you?
It's one of those days for me.

Why I want to run

I want to run races. Not because I think it would be fun, but because I think it would suck. Because I hate running, because it's hard for me. Because I'm weak, and I hate that about myself. And because it's cheap. Fencing is expensive and doable. With training I could compete, and that doesn't mean I will never fence, but I feel like I need more challenges. (I know right? I've gone mad) I guess I want to make a lifestyle out of pushing myself right now,to help me with the challenges that I am facing in life with work and school. I guess if the whole point is to go to the breaking point, I may as well do this on all levels. My endurance is not up to par, I struggle with a 14 hour work day, and there are people doing 18-22 hour days at work right now. I hate not being one of the strongest people in the room. I want to improve my endurance, increase my tolerance for pain and discomfort, find out once and for all how much is to much. I know that I'm only operating at a fraction of my ability, and my attitude is primarily what's dragging me down. I need to train myself to have a better attitude, to enjoy being broken, stretched to the breaking point. Why? Because I must learn to enjoy trials and suffering, knowing that "The testing of my faith develops perseverance." I want this, but I am comfortably uncomfortable right now. I must shake myself awake before God decides that he needs to step in.

Why God is silent

I realized that sometimes why God is silent about things like, us getting a house, or getting a car is because he has already promised to take care of those things. That would be like my son begging me to feed him dinner or buy him a jacket when he doesn't have one. He's my son, it's a given that I will provide for him. It's the same between me and God. Of course He's on top of those things, I need to stop flipping out about that and start focusing on my walk with Him, and in building community.

Spartan law

I want to quit. School, church, work, I want to quit and curl into a ball or run off and have fun. I'm on the kitchen floor this morning praying and crying that God would give me the strength to keep going. I'm so tired and none of this seems to be going anywhere. I know that's not true, I know that as I press into this season, I am being tested, I am growing in faith and strength and character. But I hate it all right now because I feel like I'm failing on every side.
But I won't give up, I may fail but I would rather fail than quit.
"No retreat, no surrender. That, is Spartan law."-300

Praying for checkmate

We often want to change, but we make excuses as to why we can't or won't take the steps necessary to make that change a reality. I try to play chess with God, to get out his will for my life. Even as things get harder, and I am less satisfied with where I am at, I would rather keep trying to win, get my own way than submit. So I am going to pray that God beats me, puts me in checkmate, gives me nowhere else to run but to him. For it's only in his arms that I am going to be truly happy and safe.

What I want

I am here to exist, to continue the existence of my existence. I once existed for adventure, to live and experience life. Now I am here because I don't want to go to hell. I want my heart back; just writing this gives me goose bumps, I want my heart back.
God has called us out of Kansas City, to a place far away. That plan hasn't changed. Maybe what we had planned didn't happen, but God's plan hasn't changed. This is a hard thing to keep hold of. I don't know what God is doing, I don't know what the big picture is and frankly I don't care. All I know is that I want my heart back.

Is it time for a change?

I am beginning to think that I need to make a change in my life, career-wise. It's not that i hate my job, but the commute is killing me. I have taken steps to help me on the money end, but the time part is still not there. I wonder if I should stay put a little while longer, or if I should start searching for new work. I just don't know what to do.

No man an island

I have realized that not knowing my neighbors is a problem. I don't know where to start. There are three houses next to me are elderly folk, and then there are two families. My concern is that I don't know what I'll get if I open my doors to them. This is not the heart of Christ.

The answer

The answer is prayer. Unending, relentless prayer. Through prayer and the word nothing is impossible. I'm gonna try it and see what happens.

Beautiful brokeness

Last night I went to pray, and just to try it, I prayed on my knees. I hardly ever do that, I don't think that anyone has to, but it does focus you. You're down there for no other reason than to cry out to God. I started praying about everything I am going through, with work, with school, trying to provide a good life for my family, not having a car. I thought about how my parents had set me up for success, and how ungrateful I was. I started crying for my wasted years, how my sinfulness had set me back in life. As I lay there broken before God, sobbing like the sad man that I was, it felt right. It felt good to fall apart before God.

Fight or flight

In every trial, every hardship, we have a choice to make. We can fight it, fight our way through it; or we can run away. It's up to us, it's up to me. You have to know that you know who you are, and be that person.

New Years Day

So, while I must admit that wallowing in the mire of my own despair is quite fun, there comes a moment when Satan has overstayed his welcome in my head. So I am asking the Lord for an eviction notice. I realized that if work is so terrible, then I can quit. If school is so hopeless, then I can drop out. If I can't handle the pressure of raising a family, I can always do what my father did and walk out on them. Okay, scratch that last bit. I can hardly handle a four day business trip away from my family. But you get my point.
What I am attempting is hard, very hard. It's not easy to go back to school at age thirty, with a wife and three very small children, and work full time. That however, is precisely what I am going to do.
       Think of today as a sort of new years day. My resolution? To allow myself to be human, to make mistakes, to settle for nothing less than all I have to give. To be in the Word at least twice a day, set aside time to pray twice a day. To do my best at work, to follow the companies values and culture to the letter. To work along side of my wife to get us in shape to run a 5k race together, and get our bodies back. To become a student, and do the best that I can in my studies.   My number one resolution is to stop trying to go it alone. I wait far to long to reach out for help, and that has to stop . I will never reach the heights that I have envisioned in my heart by putting on a one man show. It's gonna take me awhile to make that happen, I don't trust people.
By the grace of God I will change, I have to. I can't stay where I am in life, I'll end up killing myself if I do. God has to become the reason that I live and breathe, He must become my portion, He has to be enough. Because if this life is all there is, I have absolutely no interest in sticking it out on this worthless planet.

Runaway Heart

So I was thinking about what my problem is, underneath it all. Yes I know that I need to snap out of it, but why do I know what needs to be done, and yet have such a hard time doing it? Why can I say all the right things to myself but the words have no effect on me? Because I've lost heart. My heart's not in my work, that's why I can understand my job intellectually but have no passion, no drive. I desire to compete in fencing but take no joy in pursuing it anymore. My dreams stir my soul but when I wake up my soul cannot even rise from it's bed. That's why I prefer to be busy. For if I slow down, I have time to contemplate, and contemplation brings misery.
The last few years have not only been dry spiritually, but I have moved from a work environment that brought occasional joy to one that holds little to none. I failed to achieve two dreams that have been on my heart (fire dept. and military), I lost my favorite bible, I wonder if I'll ever recover from it. I wrecked my lovely little car after I paid it off. Every day is a struggle just to put one foot in front of the other. I can think of all kinds of inspirational things to say, but it doesn't last. By morning I'm depressed again.
     So, now that I know that I've lost my heart, how do I get it back? How do I learn to face each day with joy, and stop fantasizing about hiding in a closet all day? What happened to adventure? What happened to living for more than just to pay the bills? I don't know what to do or where to start.
I guess I'll pray.

Another complaint

I looked  in the mirror today, and did't like what I saw. It's not that I'm fat, but I am becoming pudgy. I know this is supposed to be about my spiritual journey, but it's just one more area that I'm dissatisfied. I hate the fact that I'm no longer in top shape.

If I were to read this, I would think, "What a baby, if you don't like your life, change it!" I know right? You know what's sad? I have almost no motivation to actually make a change. Serious change requires sacrifice, and I don't  want to make any more sacrifices. I make enough for my family and my job. So when I don't have to make sacrifices for them I don't want to do anything. For example, I'm fatter than I want to be, have been for some time. What have I done about it? Nothing. I'm not as focused on pursuing God as I want to be. What have I done? Nothing, only a weak attempt at starting a bible reading plan.
As you can see, I need to snap out of it, fast.

Valuing the Word

I don't value the Word of God. I say I do, I want to, but my actions and my life do not say that I delight in the Word. I'm not as exited about digging into the word of God as I am about the new Transformers movie coming out on DVD. When that comes out I'm going to rent it, watch it with my wife and my boys, maybe have people over. I'll talk about it at work, maybe even at school. Heck, I talk about fencing and ballet more than I do the word of God. My life doesn't revolve around prayer, studying the word, and worship. But what else in there if not that? I have very little personal integrity. I am not the man I claim to be, and this truth is starting to eat me up. When will this be real? Do I just decide that God's word is that important, or is there an actual moment when it excites me? I never had to try to love fencing, and I only had to try Ballet to fall in love with it. As soon as I laid eyes on my children there was love in my heart. I see a good fight, and something stirs in my soul. Why doesn't this happen when I crack open the word of God? Maybe I don't fully understand what it is. I need a revelation of the word of God, not just an intellectual understanding, but I need to see this with my heart. I need this to be real.

To change the world

             I am finding as I grow older, and concerns about friends and family begin to crowd upon my mind, that I no longer envision the standard super hero as the means to make an impact on the world, as their influence is limited, they merely solve the big world ending problems, but are always useless in day to day life. Now men such as the Carleones, Hunter Rose, Al Capone, that guy from American Gangster, the Luthors of the world, villains in their own right, yet with the power and influence to make an impact on the communities they live in. The gangsters of the prohibition era were men that I want to join the ranks of, but from a Christian perspective. I have no idea how to go about that, I have spent my time learning about individual prowess, not about running an empire. Clearly I have work to do. Is a Christian even supposed to have that kind of power? Where does God stand on that kind of thing? Why is the church such a weak voice in the community? Why are we not the go to people? Do we/I even know how to be/ raise up such men? I would like to think that somewhere, hidden in the depths of our DNA is the blueprint to make such men again, that the same genius that spawns evil is available to those who call Jesus Lord and Savior. But what if I'm wrong? What if the only way to become the kind of man that I envision is to embrace that darker side of ourselves? Would I break the law, steal, kill ruin the lives of innocent people in order to provide safety and security to my family? In theory I believe that I could. I want them provided for, when I see the hurt and pain in those around me I get so angry. I wish that I had the power to make them safe, to be the strength they need me to be, to stop those who would hurt them. But not by flying around in the dark, but by being a man who inspires change.

A dream

I dreamt that I was trying to get across a bridge to go to work, and it was raining very hard, and the water was coming over the bridge. Suddenly everything froze, and that water turned into snow. I was trying to swim through the snow, and my friend was trying to help push me through.

The problem with church

For many of you, the first thing you may suggest to a person like myself who declares that he is lost, would be to declare that I need to visit your church. You may even suggest that I follow the ABC's to salvation. If I could , I probably would visit your church. I would like the pastor. But at the end of the day it's still a church, and that's the problem. People say that the church is like a hospital, and I agree. That's precisely what I don't like about it. I hate hospitals, they have no idea what's really wrong with you, they just stop the symptoms. I also see church as an entertainment venue, where we go in, sing along with worship, listen to a sermon, and go home to watch football. Our society, our lives are built around watching, being a spectator. I watch people dance, have adventures, fight for something meaningful, and change the world. I then pontificate about it and think that I have done a good thing. I do the same thing at church. I go, participate in worship, listen halfheartedly to a sermon (often I'm doing my own bible study during this time because I'm getting nothing) and leave more empty than I went in. They say you get out of it what you put in. I tried that, if you pour water into sand, you don't get more water.
I'm sure you're thinking, "That's an awful thing to say, why would you not want to go to church?" Because I don't need another church telling me how to look righteous, and then condemning anything that I may do that doesn't conform to their culture. I don't need another church, another program, or another agenda. I need to encounter the God I read about in the bible, I need to find Him, and find the courage to live like I believe that He's real in the world that I live in.

Awake

I have realized that I am lost, and I am finally awake to how far I am from who i want to be. This is an attempt at  finding my way. I may give up after a few weeks. Or days.