This little light of mine

     In the midst of being so busy with running my store, school, taking care of the family I have made a critical error. I have let the fire on the altar go out. It's not so much that I've drifted from God, as I've stopped running after Him. I've stopped pausing for breath, to take in the scenery and enjoy the view.

     But in the last few weeks there I discovered a little coal, stubbornly glowing. A small fire is beginning to burn in the depths of my soul, a desire for more of God, more of life. For life abundant overflowing and unstoppable. I need to identify everything that hinders love and fight against whatever sets itself against the hope and joy that is in me. I want life, to be alive, feel alive, to restore the first commandment to the first place. I want Christ to truly be my center, not in some sort of esoteric way, but in a real vibrant way that makes me live a life that radiates God's love, that hums with the rhythms of grace. 

This little light of mine?  Let's hope it doesn't stay little for long.

Why I am here

I came into my store and ran into a regular customer. He told me that his mother is dying, and I could tell that he was hurting. I shook his hand and then impulsively hugged him. He hugged me back and for a brief moment we clung to each other, and then he left. In that moment The Lord spoke to me,"this is why you are here"
I believe that I've been given the heart of a  pastor, and while I may not have a church or ever qualify to actually lead one I am a shepherd, a pastor all the same. I will not find happiness apart from this reality. I am here to be a blessing to others, comfort people when they are sad, lift up the downtrodden, teach the lessons taught to me by those wiser than I, and bring joy to others. I have no clue how it will all work out but I'm certain that seeking to cultivate a heart to serve others is a good start.

Movie recommendation

I just took my kids to see rise of the guardians. I'm not going or spoil the plot but it is very prophetic, and it made me cry several times.
 The biggest takeaway that I had was the part about finding one's center. And playtime. I miss my sense of playtime and wonder, I have no idea how to get it back at the level it used to be.

What's missing?

I feel like something's missing.
The problem with getting what you want is that it's never what you really want. Often I will make the mistake of thinking that I will be happy if I can just get this, achieve that, do this other thing I never have time for. But when I do receive/ accomplish/ do the activity I wanted I discover that I am no closer to being happy than I was to begin with.
I guess the key is to be happy now, no matter what is going on. Or, (I don't like where this is taking me) what am I basing my happiness on to begin with? (I'm sure that you were already thinking this.) Is my happiness rooted in Christ? In the fact that God loves me, has redeemed me, cherishes me as a favored son? Obviously not.
Guess I know what's missing, gratitude. Thankfulness. An awareness of just how much God loves me and what he saved me from. I am realizing that I have been holding the death of Christ cheaply, taken the blood of the lamb for granted. In doing this I opened the door to greed, ingratitude, and a self-centered world view.
I need to remember the cross, and all that it means for me and for the world.

Concerning difficulty

"When meeting calamities or difficult situations, it is not enough to simply say that one is not flustered. When meeting difficult situations, one should dash forward bravely and with joy."- Yamamoto Tsunetomo.
If the ancient samurai were expected to live this out, how much more should we as Christians, who have the assurance of Christ being with us walk this put in our own lives!

Beware your wrath, parents

I love my children, but when they misbehave I often get angry with them. Oddly enough when I approach God after I have sinned I don't ever feel Him yelling or angry with me. Our theology is loaded with references about the love and grace of God, and how He may be heart broken by our sin but He forgives us and draws us to Him, even as we are in rebellion. So why am I angry with my kids? Is it because they have sinned against God or is it because they have sinned against me? If it is because they are sinning against God, I'm pretty sure that he doesn't need me to be angry on His behalf. So that leaves option #2, and the reality makes me tremble. Should my children be punished when they misbehave? Of course, but they should not feel my wrath or self righteousness. Am I teaching my children to do what's right because God loves them and they should desire to please Him, or am I teaching them to do what's right because they fear making me angry? What happens when they no longer fear my anger? Am I teaching them to fear God or to fear me?
I'm not saying I have all the answers here, I just know that there's to much me in my parenting, and not enough God. This has nothing to do with me, it is about raising up men and women who will go out and start lives and families of their own.

Gifts

I was talking to my brother in law about a sermon on spiritual gifts, and how we are to use our gifts for the glory of God and to lift up each other. But then he took it a step further. He started to challenge me about my non-spiritual gifts. At first I was like,"yeah, let's glorify God with our earthly gifts!" But then I thought about it later on, and it made me a little uncomfortable. Glorify God with my earthly gifts? How? What are my earthly gifts? I had to think about it. What an I good at? Not much. I can fence, I can make coffee, I'm good at knowing what to wear (usually). Not sure how I can glorify God with those gifts. I tried to comfort myself with the thought that other people that have ministry related gifts were who he was talking about. But then I remembered the verse,"whatsoever you do, do all to the glory of God." If I did everything like I was doing it for God, what would that look like? That means when I'm at work, at school, at home, alone (even in my own head), working out, having a drink with friends,.....
How on earth am I supposed to do that? What happened to just doing something for me? How can I live my entire life for God? What about my life? It's as if God wants every last part if me and,

Oh yeah that's the point (sigh, I'm gonna have to take some of my plans back to the drawing board)

A theory

I'm not sure exactly what the right ratio is but it seems like the answer to any problem that I have is a combination of loving others, submission to the current situation, or at least having peace with it, and constantly going before God asking for him to work on our behalf to change the current situation.

Just a thought

Something I found encouraging

I stumbled across thins quote this morning and it really gave me a boost;

"I know I'm not where I want to be, but I'm closer than I was yesterday."

Dreaming too big (or am I?)

Sometimes we have days when we realized just how small We are in the grand scheme of things. We look at our dreams and all the trial that await us and the path we are led to walk on with faint hearts and weak faith. "How am I ever going to do this?" "Maybe I should just trade in my dream for a smaller one." "I'm never gonna make it". I know that feeling, I felt it today. I looked at everything I am pursuing and I just wanted to go hide under a rock. Here's the crazy part. I take this to The Lord and do you know what he said? He said that my problem is that I'm not dreaming big enough. My dreams are big, but still small enough that my pride thinks that I can pull it off if I try hard enough. I need to learn to dream so big that I have no doubt about who is going to make this happen, that I am dependent on Him and Him alone.
How about you? Are your dreams manageable? Crushing you but still small enough that you think you should be able to handle it? Come be stupid with me, let's dream so big that everything rides on God (since it does anyway we may as well acknowledge it right?) .

Some trust in chariots

It's that time again, time to participate in the privilege and duty of electing a president. You can't watch TV or listen to the radio without hearing someone promising to provide you with economic security, better healthcare, and to take care of the issues that matter to us. The problem is that there is only One who can provide all of those things and last I checked He's not running for office. Voting is important and you should vote, just remember you are voting for a man, not a savior. He cannot ensure that no one will go without food, clothing, or shelter and he shouldn't be expected to. While I agree that America could use a turnaround, it is going to take more than a politician to make that happen.

I'm no pastor, but I'm pretty sure that if we turn from our division and sin, crying out to God for help we would see something happen.

Sheep

I was chatting with Jon, a new friend of mine and he was telling me about growing up on a farm with sheep, chickens, goats, and other animals. With the exception of having to clean out the chicken coops it sounded really cool.  When he mentioned sheep, he told me how they really are some of the dumbest creatures. He told me how if they saw chicken feed on the other side of a fence they would run right into the fence trying to get to it. He told me about how actually living with sheep gave him a deeper understanding about what it means when the bible talks about us being like sheep, and Christ being our shepherd. While on one hand I laughed to hear him tell me about the sheep, on the other I realized how humbling it is to be a christian.  Think about it, how many times have you run into a "brick wall" running after something you thought that you wanted, or were not supposed to have? How many times has our Shepherd come after us when we wander from the sound of his voice? For come after us he will, as many times as he needs to and rejoices every time he finds us and brings us home. That's the crazy part, he doesn't even get mad at us for wandering off. Whatever sadness he may have had is wiped away with the joy of seeing us return to him.

Although I'm quite sure he hopes we stay within earshot from now on.

A little known fact

Guys, we all know that we are to love our wives and children. We are to love them as Christ loves the church. I'm not going to go into that as we have all heard enough sermons on that topic to choke a hippo. What I want to talk about is the second part. When we honor our wives, put them first, take care of their needs ahead of our own we will find that the things want are somehow taken care of as well. I have been trying to walk this out with my own wife, and can attest to the fruit of this. I have an iPad and iPhone and a laptop computer that I received for free, I was able to pursue one of my passions, fencing for a year and actually made money doing it. Clothing that I want I find at ridiculous sale prices. There are few things that I have wanted that I do not get. Not because I am rich, but because I live my life poured out for my family. If I want time to study or read, I get up between 3:30 and 4:00 am, to the best of my ability my life revolves around my family. Before you think I am trying to boast here, let me tell you it works in reverse to. I have tried to put myself first, and ended up with nothing working out for me. God has given me men, like my Dad, who showed me how to put my wife first. At my wedding my best man gave me a sword as a wedding gift and told me that every day I would have to fight for my wife's heart. Only because I have tried to obey the words of the men in my life have I been able to have the marriage that I have. So what I'm trying to say is this;

LOVE YOUR WIFE

Who are you?

Who are you, what's your name? Before you answer, I want you to look beyond where you work, what name your parents gave you, where you live and dig deeper. What is your purpose in life, and are you actually living that out? For the most part, whatever your true purpose is can and should be lived out, even if you are working in a job where you do not feel you are able to use your gifts. The ability to have purpose, and walk it out regardless of where you are is what separates those who have an impact on their world and those who do not. Find that purpose, and if there is an obstacle to you fully being who you are, take it to God. It is better to be in a holding pattern because God put you there than because you're unwilling to step out.

Waking up

I feel like I'm waking up, waking up screaming, waking up to who I am, who I've become. Honestly I'm not sure I like what I see. Not so much a drifting from God as a lack of living from my heart. I am more than what I am, but I have accepted less. Not sure what to do to fix this but it needs to stop.


NOW.

Do you have a vision?

In proverbs (I don't remember where), it is written, "Where there is no vision the people cast of restraint". Without a clear vision or direction for our lives there is no point to press on, no reason to discipline ourselves. Without a dream in our hearts we end up just plodding along in life, going wherever the current takes us.
Let's dare to expect more than that out of our lives. If you have a dream in your heart, that dream most likely came from God. It is not only your dream, it is His dream that he has in His heart from the day you were born. Don't let that dream die. Bring it to the Lord, do all you can in your power to make the dream a reality, then let God do His thing with it. Don't be surprised if he takes you on a path that makes no sense according to human wisdom. It may even seem like he is leading you in the opposite direction. But take heart, so long as you are walking close with the Lord it will be alright, even if it takes years for the dream to become reality. He has to prepare you, make you ready to receive the blessing that he has for you. If he gave it to you right away you would fail miserably. Be thankful that he has a process. Trust the process, He knows what He's doing.

Prisoners

I have heard of prisoners who, after being in jail for a long time actually come to prefer being in jail to being out in the world. They have become so accustomed to living that way, that they actually become afraid of the freedom of living out in the world. I cannot imagine wanting to stay in jail, but who knows? If I lived in there for over ten years, all of my friends would be there. My whole life would be there. While it may be bad, by then I would have learned how to survive and get along okay. What would be in the outside world for me at that point?    But that is what we do isn't it? We become so used to living in a certain type of relationship that we don't think we deserve better. So we go from abusive relationship to abusive relationship, thinking that this is life for us. Or maybe we are at a job that is a poor fit either for us or for our families, maybe the hours don't work or the pay is not enough. Maybe there are dreams that have been in out hearts that we have locked up so long inside ourselves that we have forgotten how to dream. I know someone who has complained about his life for the three years that I have known him, yet he has not taken one step in three years to change anything. He has made his prison his identity. We all have our own prisons, and while we may complain, if we were to look deep into our hearts we would find that we have come actually come to accept this way of life. We have made being a prisoner a part of our personal and spiritual identity. Who would we be without out prisons, without our demons?  

Time to find out

Pressing in

When you are contending with the Lord for a breakthrough, it can seem like you are pushing against a brick wall with no results. But you have to keep pressing in, even when the enemy is pushing you back, and you are losing ground. It's like in the movie 300 when the Spartans were being pushed back by the Persian army. Which brings me to my next point. Don't ever press in alone. Only by standing together will we be able to advance against the enemy. It doesn't matter if it's for the church, the city you live in, or a personal issue. NEVER FIGHT ALONE!!!!!!!!   My favorite part about this movie was when the Spartans were being pushed back and  the leader yelled, "Hold!" Suddenly they stopped. Then they pushed. When they all pushed together, the enemy flew back. When we press in together in prayer we can drive the enemy back so hard they don't know what hit them. The other thing to remember is that once you get the slightest hint of a breakthrough, you don't stop. I don't care how tired you are DON'T STOP!! This is the time to give it everything you have. Push the enemy over the cliff, break through the wall one brick at a time, never stop, never give in.

No retreat, no surrender.

Bite off more than you can chew

The problem with most of us is that we don't attempt things that could end in failure, few of us truly test our limits. Think about it, when was the last time you were truly at the end of your rope? I don't mean emotionally, because we can drive our minds to the edge of madness over a blade of grass. I mean physically so wiped out that you are falling over, and it takes everything in your power just to put one foot in front of the other. Or to be so mentally drained that you cannot even remember a conversation that took place an hour ago. Few of us truly live our life that close to the edge. I'm not saying that it's healthy to live that way every day, but I believe that it's equally unhealthy to go several days without challenging yourself. If your lucky you won't have to look for a challenge, life will give it to you. If I could, I would encourage you to have several areas of your life where you are growing. This is not about other people, it is about you. How can you change the world if you are spending every day becoming the same person that you were yesterday? I believe that you need to grow, and grow daily. For most of you, I don't need to bother challenging you to pray and read your bible. But there are other spheres. Your passions, your work, family, gift and talents are all to be developed to the best of your abilities.

So get off the couch, rock the boat, get in over your head, and bite off more than you can chew.

Non attachment

In Buddhist teaching they talk about non-attachment, and they are right, mostly. The part they leave out, which is the critical part is God. When we pursue our jobs, take care of our families, and work out our ministry we must give it all we have. We cannot leave anything "on the court" when the day is done. After we have given it our all, and I mean our all, that is when God takes over. We have to leave the final results up to God. It could be that the trial was the whole point, or maybe God is using your struggle for the salvation of another who is watching you live out your life. It could be that you are not ready, and the trial you're in is preparing you for the break through. We don't get to know what God is up to all the time, but we are responsible for how we live out who we are in this life. 

So maybe you're life sucks right now, maybe you are looking for the next season, or just trying to hang on in the season you are in. Perhaps you don't have a job, or the money isn't going as far as you need it to. Maybe you are reaching out for help and there is no one there to stand with you and hold you up. I know this can be hard but in these times we still have to stand firm, put our shoulder to the plough and press on, even as we cry out to God for help.

As the old sailors say during a fierce storm, "Hold fast"

Thoughts on the birth metaphor

A child cannot be born while remaining in the womb. We cannot fully enter into the next season without first leaving the one we are in.

Rebirth

My life feels like it is on the cusp of change, a new season. I feel like I am being prepared for birth, like I am at full term but not yet ready to be born. I have outgrown my womb, there is that uncomfortable pressure of being positioned to be born. Is there anything that is keeping me from being in the right position? Am I breeched? I am almost ready, but it will take intimacy, time in prayer and worship to make me ready to be born, lots of intimacy. Think about birth, and how the infant has to be ready. There is pressure, squeezing. How the birth is painful and bloody, the moment of birth is confusing and the infant is crying.

 This experience is not exclusive to myself, many go through this when God is preparing to do a new thing in their lives. The trick is to violently remove anything that is keeping you from being ready to enter into the next season of our work, life, or ministry. What is holding you back? Find it and rip it out, nothing is worth losing out on God's best for your life. 

Action/Reaction

When we encounter things in life that don't work out for us the way we'd like we should pay attention to how we react to these things. Are we allowing the situation to control our feelings and take over our minds, or are we letting go of our illusions of control? as Christians, we often fall into a false belief that if God loves us, life will be good and easy. We think that if we encounter difficulty, we are being punished or maybe our faith is too weak. What if we are going through this so that we can go through this? The other day i was tring to get home and kept gettign stuck in traffick jams. I was getting pretty pissed off, until I realized that my anger was not helping anything. The traffick jams had nothing to do with me, they would have happened whether I was there or not. They simply existed. Once I realized that, I focused on what I could do with the time I had. I listened to a sermon, called a friend, talked with God. I'm not saying we are not allowed to have human reactions to things, I'm suggesting that we do not allow our reactions to overtake us. Be aware of how you react to life.

Dying

I am dying. Every day I am getting closer to my death. It could be today in a car crash, tomorrow while being robbed, in a few months afte contracting a deadly virus or disease. Or it could be 50 years from now as an old man. An old man. I look in the mirror and see the fruits of working out, knowing that one day it will all fade and it will take all of my strength to lift a gallon of milk if I live long enough. I am going to die, just yesterday I was fantasizing about being 18 years old, now I am 31. If I live to be an old man, what do I want the sum of my existence to be? What will I have attained in my few moments here on earth? Will I leave a legacy, what will my testimony be? What do I value most of what I do? What dreams am I unwilling to reach my grave without having made them a reality? What about you? Do you realize that your life is draining away like sand in an hourglass? Does this fact depress or motivate you? What are you unwilling to leave unfinished on this earth? I would encourage you to sit down and write out what you want to accomplish before you die, and don't over spiritualized this, be honest. If your dream is to watch some sports team play, write it down. Then ask yourself why have you not done them or taken steps to try and accomplish them. Fact is, most of us think that we will live a long life, and are not bothering to prepare for death. Stop kidding yourself, you are going to die. It could be today, or sixty years from today. We need to learn to live fully, but live ready to leave this world at the same time.

Change

Why is it that we read scriptures and sing songs about the fact that God never changes and everything else does, yet we spend our lives complaining about every little change in our lives and trying to get God to do the same thing and give us the same results all the time? Since God himself never changes, and everything else in the world does, let's just roll with it. Remember this truth not just when life is hard and you're going through the valley, but remember it when yu are in the mountain top, living the good life as well. Everything changes, nothing stays the same,not the bad and not the good.

The art of abiding

When I was young I dreamed of a life of success defined by doing. I was going to travel the world and have adventures, own all the outdoor toys and just wander around, doing all type of cool things. As I grew older, my definition of success has changed, but it still involved doing and owning. Having a nice house, nice cars, the latest phone and electronic gadgets. Working in a job that others would find to be reputable, being a person of note in my church, teaching fencing, competing in fencing. I wanted to be important and be seen as important. This mindset causes a lot of stress. I am grasping, always grasping for what I do not have, and trying to appear as though I do have what I do not yet have. My walk with god is defined by what He is doing for me right now, and what I am able to do. Push, strive, achieve, win! In the midst of this scramble I have lost something very precious; myself, and the simple joy of living. I'm becoming angry, bitter, and resentful because I am jealous of the outward accomplishments of others, only happy when I am as good or better than the other people around me from an outward perspective. We must learn to let go of these things. We must look beyond the outward trappings of success, and plumb the depths of our own hearts. Discover what gives you joy, whether anyone approvs or not. For me this is fencing. Not competitive fencing, but the art of swordplay studied as a martial art. I love writing, not to please anyone else, but becaue I love the idea of having my words there to encourage others. The trouble is that these things take discipline, and a not seen by others nor is it praised by anyone. It is hard to have discipline in something that goes unnoticed. We want the reward of money or praise from others. I'm not saying that we should not ever strive, or work hard. Whatever we do should be done to the best of our abilities, to the glory of God. But when we do what we do, it should be done with an understanding that nothing we do in this life will last, nor does it define us. We are defined by something internal, that may manifest on the outside but is not what is on the outside(if that makes any sense). So let yourself go, follow your heart, be the man/woman that God made you to be. For only when we accept who we are, all of who we are will we be free.

Holding on

I know that there are times when thing's just are not going your way. When everything you where reaching for is not working out. It can sem as if God himself is working against you. But there is something that I am learning, just because it seems like your life is falling apart, doesn't mean that it really is. Often this is just Satan using a trial in your life to make you think that God has abandoned you. Often whatver you are despairing about is not the end of the world, or the end of anyone's life. If you honestly look at what you are in a funk about, you will see that it is not anything worthy of panick. Besides, if it was a matter of life and death you woudl need to focus and get it done, rather than wallow in self pity. So dust off your armor, strap on your helmet and get back in the game. Who knows? You may find that the problem is not nearly as big or bad as you think.

A thought on fatherhood

I ran into a friend of mine who is going to be a father. As we were talking I realized what a awesome role it is to be a father. You will pour out your life for something, but only as a parent will you pour out your life to create and sustain life. He mentioned that people had warned him that his life would change, as though it were a negative thing. I told him that yes he would lose a lot of sleep, and no matter go such money he makes he will feel broke. But the cost is worth everything that he has to give.

Bitterness

Bitterness. It is so easy to allow our self pity to digress into bitterness. To blame ourselves, our friends, family,church, even God for whatever state  we find ourselves in. Face it, life sucks, but that is not an excuse to get angry about it. We have such a short time here on this earth, we cannot afford to waste a minute on what did not go the way wanted in the past, where change cannot happen. We must learn to let go. So you got fired, dumped, demoted, your wife/husband left you, a loved one died, you were robbed, you sinned, you have been broken. Maybe something worse happened to you. I don't want to take away from whatever struggle or tragedy may have befallen you , these things can be difficult to get over. But God wants to take these things and ,are something with them.

Purpose

I feel like I cant think much today, kinda foggy. Sifting through feelings of bitterness and betrayal. Purposeless ness is the best way to describe it,  I feel like I am simply working and that is not enough. I want purpose, a reason to be lave. With purpose you can sift through the fog, you can streamline because you eliminate anything that does not support that purpose. Purpose guides us, it drives us, gives our lives meaning, gives us the strength to go on when we have no hope. What is my purpose? I have no idea, I float from one thing to the next, more in love with the idea of having purpose than really being consumed by anything. I watch these movies, and I leave the theater bitter because I do not live with that sense of purpose that these heroes seem to have. I am over the fact that I do not have any sort of cool superpowers, no kick ass costume, I'm good with that. But what really gets me is the lack of singular focus for my life. I feel like I just work to survive, I have little real joy in my work, but isn't that really my fault? If I were to express this to any one, the response would surely be something about my attitude, and that is where the problem truly is. I would be encouraged to focus on God, and that would surely fix everything. That should be true, right? I sit in church and watch people so desperate to be happy, wanting to feel something, experience something so badly the mind often creates the feeling they are after. But what happens Monday morning? For all the "gifts of the spirit", there a so few exceptional people in my life. Somehow I think this is my fault, as I bother to get to now so few people well, or more accurately I allow so few to get to know me well. But I am getting off on an unprofitable track. 

thoughts for us men

I'm watching Mr and Mrs Smith, and I'm thinking about us men. There's that point where after so many years they don't know who the other person is,the only problem for us men is that often we don't know who we are either.  Remember that point in the movie where they are both pointing guns at each other and John is the first one to put his weapon down? That as men is our job, to stay there even when she shoots at us, never taking a shot ourselves. Because even though we don't feel like it, we can take it. We were built to take it. We cannot bow out, or ever give up. We must not only find out who we are, we must find out and live it out. We have no choice, however broken we are the world needs us, flaws and all. God is ripping out everything that keeps us from being who He called us to be. The best we can do is submit to the process, because what lies at the other end is worth everything.

Rain

When the farmer prays for rain, he gets ready for it. When we pray for God to break through, are we preparing for Him to say yes, or are we preparing for a no? It is not enough to pray for rain, we must look to the sky, smell the air, buy an umbrella. Can we have that kind of faith, can I have this kind of faith? I want it, but I so often fail to truly trust in the Lord. It's time to let go of our mistrust in the Lord, to let go of our bitterness. I want to be the idiot that trusts in the Lord again and again, regardless of what God is doing. Being in a desert is not an excuse to not have water, not for the people of God.

Time is no one's friend

We are born dying. There is such a small window for us in the earth, to do anything of consequence. Yet we live as though we are immortal. We waste our live working jobs we hate, doing things of no value, only to realize that this life is all we have when it is almost over. Time is not considerate, it will not wait, it is not your friend. It is your enemy, your mortality draining away every day. The only tme we should delay is when we wait in obedience on the lord's timing.

Preparation

My sons asked to go to the pool. While I'm deliberating if I want to take them, they are busy getting ready. They don't wait until I say yes before they prepare. They ask, and then they prepare for the yes. When we ask the Lord for things, good things like a home or food, yet we prepare for a no, or worse we prepare for nothing, waiting for the yes before we get ready. We need to stop being so pessimistic toward the lord. Let's ask, believing that our father in heaven wants to do good things for us. Let's stop thinking that just because he delays he's saying no. Let's believe in the goodness of the Lord.

Afraid of change

I have been crying out to God for change in some of my circumstances. But in being honest with myself, I realized that I am afraid of change. I am comfortable in my discomfort. It is stable, nothing unexpected really happens. Plenty that I don't like but it's not scary, my life doesn't require me to move outside of my comfort zone. So part of me wants to just stay put. Then something happens that reminds me that I cannot go on living this way.
I know lots of people like that. They hate their life, complain all the time but will do nothing to change it. Even when an opportunity literally falls in their lap, they won't reach out for it. They will stay in their misery.
I want to avoid the sin of Jonah. When God says move, I hope that I will move.

Be careful what you wish for

Lately I have been saying I just need a moment of peace, and guess what? My car died, my truck died, and now I have to wait for a mechanic to come fix my truck. Viola! My moment of forced peace.

Worship

If you're gonna  do it, may as well make a fool out of yourself from time to time. Only the whole hearted have the gift of looking like idiots.

The need for fathers

There is a cry in our world for fathers. So many men, oldermen are crying out for fathers. Why? You can not have a child without a man and a woman. If you are alive then a man and a woman was involved. Yet so many young men live without fathers in their lives. Not only those who have fathers walk out on them, but those who have fathers at home that have checked out and are not involved. One of the greatest men in history with the heart of a father was Jesus, who had no children, yet the heart of the father was in him. We need more men like that, men who have the Father's heart in them. Being a father in the natural is not a requirement. It is enough to have the father's heart beating in yours.
I don't care how young or old you are, there are men and boys out there who need a father. It's not hard, just ask God for the heart of a father, and the rest will take care of itself. People will smell that annointing on you and they will be drawn to you. If you have what people need, they will hunt you down.

When life sucks

Sometimes we go through a season that is difficult, full of trials. Sometimes there is demonic pressure, sometimes we are being attacked. Sometimes we have created the problem through our own sin. In the midst of this battle, whether the trial is external or internal, there is a tendency to fret, to wring ones hands in frustration. Or we are angry, yelling in tounges and waging "warfare ". It looks good, especially on Sundays in front of everybody else. But in reality its just a show to make us feel better.
I believe that real power is found in a peaceful clear mind and heart. In a place of surrender to the Lord we find peace. That doesn't mean we don't have battles to fight, but we fight them assured of victory, not fearing defeat. In that place we can have joy, because we know like we know the sky is blue that Jesus has already conquered the world. We can laugh when life knocks us down because our victory is assured, we know how all of this ends. With Satan, death, and all those who set themselves against Christ bound and thrown into the lake of fire. We can never fully conquer evil in this life, that's not our job.
It like gardening. You build the garden, plant and water it, then you have to tend it. Every day. Take your eyes of that garden for a minute and you'll have bugs eating it, the sub shrivelling it, animals eating it, all kinds of mayhem. But if you tend it with love, removing what takes life and pouring in what gives life you will be rewarded. If you find a weed or an insect that is eating your garden, remove it and move on. Find another? Do it again. The day you give up is the day you lose your garden.

A heavy cost

I feel as though my dreams are dying. When I reached for the big dream, my wife, my children, I did not know that it would cost me everything. I did not realize that ballet, snowboarding, travel, nightlife, friends, Starbucks, adventure; possibly even fencing would be sacrificed on the altar of my family. The question is, now that I know this, am I willing to pay it, or will I spend the rest of my life resenting my family, regretting the price that I paid? Or worse, will I try to return them, and sacrifice my family on the altar of my dreams, as so many men have done? As my father did? Again I feel the curse of my father reaching for me, whispering that I was made to be something great, and I am wasting away my life. But I know what my father did not, the value of a virtuous wife, of wild sons and a daughter who radiates royalty. My family demands the best of me; I cannot serve both my dreams and them.

I am something exceptional, I know it sounds arrogant, but I am. My potential has very few limits, without a family to care for I could reach any height I set myself to climb. But when I reach the summit and the glory of my name reaches into eternity, as I sit down as an old man to write the story of my life, everything I had accomplished would be nothing, without my joy, my glory there beside me. I want to look into her eyes as an old man and see love, love that has withstood the test of time, and when I see that I will know; that I am blessed, and that I had invested my life wisely.

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.”

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls, who, on finding one pearl of great value, went and sold all that he had and bought it.”

I am not going to say that this will be easy, or that I will always do this right. There will be days when my heart yearns for the selfish ambitions of youth. In those moments I will remember this; I vowed, on April 8^th, 2006 to trade all that I am, all that I could be for the dream, the priceless treasure that is my family.

“A heavy cost, I pay it gladly.”

Can or can't?

"I can't. " these words have derailed many dreams. So many people live in self imposed obscurity for no other reason than that they believe that they cannot obtain what is in their hearts. How do we break the chains of can't?

It's all in your head

Most of the time, the real battle lies within us, in our minds in our hearts. When something gets to you, as it often does to me, ask yourself,"Where is the real battle?"

My attitude

I was listening to Allen Hood teaching on the Family, and he talked about praying from a position of trust, and not of fear. I was convicted. I have been a constant state of fear, anger, and anxiety. This is not the heart of God. He has already promised to take care of us, why can't I trust that? I waste so much time living in regret over the past, and anxiously looking towards the future.
God, help us to live here,now, trusting and resting in you.

Waiting on the Lord

When you are in a place where you don't want to be, and you desperately want God to move on your behalf,  it is hard to wait for him to move. But wait we must. We must wait,  but we cannot be idle. We should prepare for the breakthrough, whenever and however it arrives. If it arrives tomorrow, we must be ready. If it arrives in ten years we must be ready. When Caleb wanted to enter into his land,  no one wanted to. Forty years later,  he went to Joshua and told him that he was ready to take his land. He wasn't bitter,  he was living in a state of readyness.

Desperate

I am put of options, out of ideas. God, if you're going to do anything in my life, please do it soon.

Standing alone

The problem with this journey is that I keep finding myself alone. I don't try to be alone, but the more I focus on God, and on who he is training me to become, I look up and find that I'm alone. I have friends, even Christian friends, but my life is disjointed, different people in different spheres. My brother in law that I prayed with till eleven at night and the young man I am meeting at three am the next day to hear what God is doing with him do not know about each other. My teachers, my boss,  do not know exactly all that I do, nor do most people care. I know no one who lives as I live. I identify with no one, and in that I am alone.

Rich and poor

One of the problems with being poor is time. I get up at three am, and don't get home from work until five or even seven pm. There is little time for watching the news or reading a newspaper, working out or anything else. Poor people have to work harder because their time is less valuable. The wealthy have time, time for leisure, to enjoy life, to take care of themselves. The challenge for the poor man is time management, the ability to accomplish much in a very short amount of time. 

Don't waste a good trial

I worked hard at the company I work for to get promoted. I got the promotion, then was moved into a position that I would not have chosen. When I failed to do well, I was demoted to my first role in the company. I have then been asked to help the person who took my last position. I could refuse to help, have a bad attitude. Or I could not waste a good trial. I got sick and asked for someone to help me with my route. No one helped. So I'm out throwing up on the side of the road, between stops. So weak that at one point I'm collapsed in the bathroom at the plant unable to get up for several minutes. I could have called in sick, refused to work. Or I could not waste a good trial. Sometimes life sucks, sometimes you don't get what you think is your fair share in life. Sometimes God asks you to walk through things that are unfair. When these things happen don't bother getting all huffy demanding justice. Just ask God to help you not to waste this trial. Don't get me wrong, I haven't learned how to do this perfectly yet, all I do is tell God that I will do my best to walk through whatever he has for me today. I'm usually whining twenty minutes later but my hearts in the right place.

Not now

How many times has Jesus drawn near to us, whispered our names upon the wind, only for us to reply, "Not now Lord, I'm busy"? How many time have we invited him in, bu then try to control what he does while we are with him? "Don't touch that Jesus, here, let's focus on this issue that I have pre-selected for us to go over. Oh look, time's up, thanks for dropping by"? When will we realize that Jesus doesn't need our money, our great ideas, our ministries, or our hard work? He wants our hearts, our whole hearts and for some reason that's more than we are prepared to give. I know it's more than I am willing to give. I know what you're thinking,"How can he say that? I'm ready and willing to give Jesus my whole heart." Are you? Have you really thought about what that means? To let Jesus have access to you 24/7, shape and mold you, change you? It's one thing to jump around on Sunday and sing about giving Jesus your heart, it's quite another thing to walk it out.
Don't get me wrong it's what I want, I want to want to give him my whole heart. Fact is I'm afraid to. I know that Jesus is highly unpredictable, and I hate giving myself over to unpredictability. But I also know that complete surrender is a big piece of the puzzle of being happy and finding myself in him.

Enjoying God?

I was listening to a teaching where the speaker was teaching that our identity should be found in loving God and in enjoying God. I thought, "How is this possible? How do you enjoy God?" I spent all day Friday trying to get my head around this, because I agree. If I was living my life captivated by God, in love with him and spending my life pursuing the mysteries of God it wouldn't matter what else was going on in my life, I would be happy. If my identity was in being loved by God and being a lover of him, what else would matter? But I have no idea how to enjoy God. I know that God has work for me to do, that there are disciplines for me to follow, but enjoyment? That's a whole other level of living that I don't understand. But I want it, I want it so badly it hurts.

Breaking away

We have been a part of a church in Newport News for almost two years, mostly just to find a safe place after our last church experience. But I felt the pull to move on. They are great people, I just don't believe in church anymore. Don't get me wrong, I believe in the church as it refers to the body of Christ. I just think that if you turned your family into an institution you would get the same results. Under a friends guidance I am reading the book of Acts, to remind myself of our roots. So here I am, back on the trail of something, I'm not even sure what but I know that I want God.

The nameless ache

There are days where I long for I know not what. I don't know what I want but I want it badly, whatever it is.

The real me?

Last week I dreamed that I let a man into an event even though I was suspicious of him. Then when I realized that he was there to kill someone, I just left. By the time I talked myself into going back I was to late.
A couple days ago I dreamed that I was driving and the car next to me got a flat. I switched to the opposite lane, and as I passed the car I noticed that the roof was destroyed, and the girl was unconscious. I wanted to pull over but there was nowhere to pull over without risking my car getting hit, so I drove around looking for a parking space. I ended up at the top of a parking garage far away from the girl. I'm trying to run down the stairs, butt there are hoses and ropes trailing down the stairs getting in my way. I wake up.
Last night I dreamed that I was so fat I could pull up my belly fat and spread in like a blanket over my thighs. I was so disgusting.
I don't know if these dreams are commentary or a warning, but I am a little disturbed.

On an unrelated topic, I have this urge to make a painting.

Ashamed

It's not that I'm ashamed of the gospel, I'm ashamed of the church. I am embarrassed by our pride and self righteousness. My goodness but we're so wise and pure! I'm only going to church out of a sense of obligation, not because my heart is being nurtured. I just figure that God has work for me to do there. They need help with life groups, and programs. So long as I keep my head down, and my opinions to myself I'll be fine. I wish God would put me in a church where my heart was free. I'm getting tired of playing ball.

No reservation

It seems that you are not to live outside of a reservation, doesn't matter who's but you have to be a part of some group. I'm in church, and all I want to do is leave. These people don't need me, they already know it all. They get up and preach and everyone cheers, everyone dances. Those that don't keep their mouth shut. I am feeling the same way I felt when I left the church the first time. I'm tired of the safe little bubble that we make for ourselves.
Maybe this is not a bad thing. There are gifts given to many people, some are born to wander. Could I have wandered in the desert for so long that I have begun to prefer it? The people in the city do not search for water, it is those lost in the desert that value it. It could be that I'm called to speak to those in the desert.

Mission: Imfreakingpossible

So apparently not only am I supposed to survive this season of life I'm in without killing myself or others, but I'm supposed to do it with joy, unto God, finding Him as my portion. Oh, and I'm also supposed to raise a Godly family, be a great dad and husband and be involved in the church.  How the hell am I supposed to do that! I am so frustrated right now. I want to walk in righteousness, but frankly it's impossible. I can't do it, not the way God wants me to do it. He doesn't just want me to do what he says, He wants me to do it cheerfully, with my focus on Him, loving and enjoying Him in all circumstances. Maybe you're nodding because you missed that last part. I said ALL CIRCUMSTANCES. I know right? Who can even do that? The man who walks in that kind of peace could move mountains. Maybe that's the point, for it to be impossible. If we could do this without God, we wouldn't be human, would we?

Ready to pop

Ever have one of those days where you could just start screaming and destroy everything around you?
It's one of those days for me.

Why I want to run

I want to run races. Not because I think it would be fun, but because I think it would suck. Because I hate running, because it's hard for me. Because I'm weak, and I hate that about myself. And because it's cheap. Fencing is expensive and doable. With training I could compete, and that doesn't mean I will never fence, but I feel like I need more challenges. (I know right? I've gone mad) I guess I want to make a lifestyle out of pushing myself right now,to help me with the challenges that I am facing in life with work and school. I guess if the whole point is to go to the breaking point, I may as well do this on all levels. My endurance is not up to par, I struggle with a 14 hour work day, and there are people doing 18-22 hour days at work right now. I hate not being one of the strongest people in the room. I want to improve my endurance, increase my tolerance for pain and discomfort, find out once and for all how much is to much. I know that I'm only operating at a fraction of my ability, and my attitude is primarily what's dragging me down. I need to train myself to have a better attitude, to enjoy being broken, stretched to the breaking point. Why? Because I must learn to enjoy trials and suffering, knowing that "The testing of my faith develops perseverance." I want this, but I am comfortably uncomfortable right now. I must shake myself awake before God decides that he needs to step in.

Why God is silent

I realized that sometimes why God is silent about things like, us getting a house, or getting a car is because he has already promised to take care of those things. That would be like my son begging me to feed him dinner or buy him a jacket when he doesn't have one. He's my son, it's a given that I will provide for him. It's the same between me and God. Of course He's on top of those things, I need to stop flipping out about that and start focusing on my walk with Him, and in building community.

Spartan law

I want to quit. School, church, work, I want to quit and curl into a ball or run off and have fun. I'm on the kitchen floor this morning praying and crying that God would give me the strength to keep going. I'm so tired and none of this seems to be going anywhere. I know that's not true, I know that as I press into this season, I am being tested, I am growing in faith and strength and character. But I hate it all right now because I feel like I'm failing on every side.
But I won't give up, I may fail but I would rather fail than quit.
"No retreat, no surrender. That, is Spartan law."-300

Praying for checkmate

We often want to change, but we make excuses as to why we can't or won't take the steps necessary to make that change a reality. I try to play chess with God, to get out his will for my life. Even as things get harder, and I am less satisfied with where I am at, I would rather keep trying to win, get my own way than submit. So I am going to pray that God beats me, puts me in checkmate, gives me nowhere else to run but to him. For it's only in his arms that I am going to be truly happy and safe.

What I want

I am here to exist, to continue the existence of my existence. I once existed for adventure, to live and experience life. Now I am here because I don't want to go to hell. I want my heart back; just writing this gives me goose bumps, I want my heart back.
God has called us out of Kansas City, to a place far away. That plan hasn't changed. Maybe what we had planned didn't happen, but God's plan hasn't changed. This is a hard thing to keep hold of. I don't know what God is doing, I don't know what the big picture is and frankly I don't care. All I know is that I want my heart back.

Is it time for a change?

I am beginning to think that I need to make a change in my life, career-wise. It's not that i hate my job, but the commute is killing me. I have taken steps to help me on the money end, but the time part is still not there. I wonder if I should stay put a little while longer, or if I should start searching for new work. I just don't know what to do.

No man an island

I have realized that not knowing my neighbors is a problem. I don't know where to start. There are three houses next to me are elderly folk, and then there are two families. My concern is that I don't know what I'll get if I open my doors to them. This is not the heart of Christ.

The answer

The answer is prayer. Unending, relentless prayer. Through prayer and the word nothing is impossible. I'm gonna try it and see what happens.

Beautiful brokeness

Last night I went to pray, and just to try it, I prayed on my knees. I hardly ever do that, I don't think that anyone has to, but it does focus you. You're down there for no other reason than to cry out to God. I started praying about everything I am going through, with work, with school, trying to provide a good life for my family, not having a car. I thought about how my parents had set me up for success, and how ungrateful I was. I started crying for my wasted years, how my sinfulness had set me back in life. As I lay there broken before God, sobbing like the sad man that I was, it felt right. It felt good to fall apart before God.

Fight or flight

In every trial, every hardship, we have a choice to make. We can fight it, fight our way through it; or we can run away. It's up to us, it's up to me. You have to know that you know who you are, and be that person.

New Years Day

So, while I must admit that wallowing in the mire of my own despair is quite fun, there comes a moment when Satan has overstayed his welcome in my head. So I am asking the Lord for an eviction notice. I realized that if work is so terrible, then I can quit. If school is so hopeless, then I can drop out. If I can't handle the pressure of raising a family, I can always do what my father did and walk out on them. Okay, scratch that last bit. I can hardly handle a four day business trip away from my family. But you get my point.
What I am attempting is hard, very hard. It's not easy to go back to school at age thirty, with a wife and three very small children, and work full time. That however, is precisely what I am going to do.
       Think of today as a sort of new years day. My resolution? To allow myself to be human, to make mistakes, to settle for nothing less than all I have to give. To be in the Word at least twice a day, set aside time to pray twice a day. To do my best at work, to follow the companies values and culture to the letter. To work along side of my wife to get us in shape to run a 5k race together, and get our bodies back. To become a student, and do the best that I can in my studies.   My number one resolution is to stop trying to go it alone. I wait far to long to reach out for help, and that has to stop . I will never reach the heights that I have envisioned in my heart by putting on a one man show. It's gonna take me awhile to make that happen, I don't trust people.
By the grace of God I will change, I have to. I can't stay where I am in life, I'll end up killing myself if I do. God has to become the reason that I live and breathe, He must become my portion, He has to be enough. Because if this life is all there is, I have absolutely no interest in sticking it out on this worthless planet.

Runaway Heart

So I was thinking about what my problem is, underneath it all. Yes I know that I need to snap out of it, but why do I know what needs to be done, and yet have such a hard time doing it? Why can I say all the right things to myself but the words have no effect on me? Because I've lost heart. My heart's not in my work, that's why I can understand my job intellectually but have no passion, no drive. I desire to compete in fencing but take no joy in pursuing it anymore. My dreams stir my soul but when I wake up my soul cannot even rise from it's bed. That's why I prefer to be busy. For if I slow down, I have time to contemplate, and contemplation brings misery.
The last few years have not only been dry spiritually, but I have moved from a work environment that brought occasional joy to one that holds little to none. I failed to achieve two dreams that have been on my heart (fire dept. and military), I lost my favorite bible, I wonder if I'll ever recover from it. I wrecked my lovely little car after I paid it off. Every day is a struggle just to put one foot in front of the other. I can think of all kinds of inspirational things to say, but it doesn't last. By morning I'm depressed again.
     So, now that I know that I've lost my heart, how do I get it back? How do I learn to face each day with joy, and stop fantasizing about hiding in a closet all day? What happened to adventure? What happened to living for more than just to pay the bills? I don't know what to do or where to start.
I guess I'll pray.

Another complaint

I looked  in the mirror today, and did't like what I saw. It's not that I'm fat, but I am becoming pudgy. I know this is supposed to be about my spiritual journey, but it's just one more area that I'm dissatisfied. I hate the fact that I'm no longer in top shape.

If I were to read this, I would think, "What a baby, if you don't like your life, change it!" I know right? You know what's sad? I have almost no motivation to actually make a change. Serious change requires sacrifice, and I don't  want to make any more sacrifices. I make enough for my family and my job. So when I don't have to make sacrifices for them I don't want to do anything. For example, I'm fatter than I want to be, have been for some time. What have I done about it? Nothing. I'm not as focused on pursuing God as I want to be. What have I done? Nothing, only a weak attempt at starting a bible reading plan.
As you can see, I need to snap out of it, fast.

Valuing the Word

I don't value the Word of God. I say I do, I want to, but my actions and my life do not say that I delight in the Word. I'm not as exited about digging into the word of God as I am about the new Transformers movie coming out on DVD. When that comes out I'm going to rent it, watch it with my wife and my boys, maybe have people over. I'll talk about it at work, maybe even at school. Heck, I talk about fencing and ballet more than I do the word of God. My life doesn't revolve around prayer, studying the word, and worship. But what else in there if not that? I have very little personal integrity. I am not the man I claim to be, and this truth is starting to eat me up. When will this be real? Do I just decide that God's word is that important, or is there an actual moment when it excites me? I never had to try to love fencing, and I only had to try Ballet to fall in love with it. As soon as I laid eyes on my children there was love in my heart. I see a good fight, and something stirs in my soul. Why doesn't this happen when I crack open the word of God? Maybe I don't fully understand what it is. I need a revelation of the word of God, not just an intellectual understanding, but I need to see this with my heart. I need this to be real.

To change the world

             I am finding as I grow older, and concerns about friends and family begin to crowd upon my mind, that I no longer envision the standard super hero as the means to make an impact on the world, as their influence is limited, they merely solve the big world ending problems, but are always useless in day to day life. Now men such as the Carleones, Hunter Rose, Al Capone, that guy from American Gangster, the Luthors of the world, villains in their own right, yet with the power and influence to make an impact on the communities they live in. The gangsters of the prohibition era were men that I want to join the ranks of, but from a Christian perspective. I have no idea how to go about that, I have spent my time learning about individual prowess, not about running an empire. Clearly I have work to do. Is a Christian even supposed to have that kind of power? Where does God stand on that kind of thing? Why is the church such a weak voice in the community? Why are we not the go to people? Do we/I even know how to be/ raise up such men? I would like to think that somewhere, hidden in the depths of our DNA is the blueprint to make such men again, that the same genius that spawns evil is available to those who call Jesus Lord and Savior. But what if I'm wrong? What if the only way to become the kind of man that I envision is to embrace that darker side of ourselves? Would I break the law, steal, kill ruin the lives of innocent people in order to provide safety and security to my family? In theory I believe that I could. I want them provided for, when I see the hurt and pain in those around me I get so angry. I wish that I had the power to make them safe, to be the strength they need me to be, to stop those who would hurt them. But not by flying around in the dark, but by being a man who inspires change.

A dream

I dreamt that I was trying to get across a bridge to go to work, and it was raining very hard, and the water was coming over the bridge. Suddenly everything froze, and that water turned into snow. I was trying to swim through the snow, and my friend was trying to help push me through.

The problem with church

For many of you, the first thing you may suggest to a person like myself who declares that he is lost, would be to declare that I need to visit your church. You may even suggest that I follow the ABC's to salvation. If I could , I probably would visit your church. I would like the pastor. But at the end of the day it's still a church, and that's the problem. People say that the church is like a hospital, and I agree. That's precisely what I don't like about it. I hate hospitals, they have no idea what's really wrong with you, they just stop the symptoms. I also see church as an entertainment venue, where we go in, sing along with worship, listen to a sermon, and go home to watch football. Our society, our lives are built around watching, being a spectator. I watch people dance, have adventures, fight for something meaningful, and change the world. I then pontificate about it and think that I have done a good thing. I do the same thing at church. I go, participate in worship, listen halfheartedly to a sermon (often I'm doing my own bible study during this time because I'm getting nothing) and leave more empty than I went in. They say you get out of it what you put in. I tried that, if you pour water into sand, you don't get more water.
I'm sure you're thinking, "That's an awful thing to say, why would you not want to go to church?" Because I don't need another church telling me how to look righteous, and then condemning anything that I may do that doesn't conform to their culture. I don't need another church, another program, or another agenda. I need to encounter the God I read about in the bible, I need to find Him, and find the courage to live like I believe that He's real in the world that I live in.

Awake

I have realized that I am lost, and I am finally awake to how far I am from who i want to be. This is an attempt at  finding my way. I may give up after a few weeks. Or days.